a broken heart is a working heart

Honestly, right now I SHOULD be packing to head back to Jacksonville tomorrow morning
but I'm not, of course
I'm doing what I have become a master at, procrastinating.

So instead of packing, or actually studying for my nursing exam that I think is Monday (but hoping is Tuesday), I'm sorting through what seems my entire life stuffed under my bed. I love going through old things like photo albums, fashion magazines, makeup, and most important..... journals.
I started reading both of my journals I kept, one starting when I was 10 and another started when I was in 9th grade. I laughed at most of the entries, but some just really blew my mind.
Apparently I had 4 terrible years in high school, but now that I look back on it, it doesn't even matter now. I read a few entries where I complained of being so hurt and feeling like things would never get any better, but I cant even remember what made me so upset.
I gives me such reassurance that it really does eventually stop hurting.
I needed that so much, especially since I shared a cup of coffee and a short conversation with Dylan today.
We had 2 good years together with ups and downs. I'm ready to let it go, but never forget.
I'm ready to take a chance with somebody new, but not rush into anything.
I still hurt, but I now know that it will stop one day, and I'll look back on it and just laugh at how miserable I was.

Richmond deserves a 2nd try
I deserve to be happy go lucky Julie again


I'm ready.

broken hearted

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately, sleep isn't really an option.

Life lately is just a blur, and it seems the days are getting longer as well.
I want to go more into details, I just emotionally don't have the willpower to do so.

I'll get over it eventually.

history has a way of repeating itself

So school has resumed at Jacksonville University. I've been working extra hard so far to try to stay above C's, which is something I really need this year.
Its amazing how much the summer really changed some people around here. Not saying that it is bad, its just interesting. Lately I've found myself very annoyed and angry towards this place because I feel a majority of the people are fake. Its as if they forgot what lies they told last year, and I caught them this year. Nothing to worry about though, I don't need to ponder on the situation.

I did it yet again, and I am going to blame it on this town.
I ended things with Dylan. I'm still not sure if it's because I just really need somebody here that I can see everyday, or if I'm being ridiculous and making rational decisions. Jacksonville is a very peculiar place that can make any person feel alone, or like they aren't apart of anything spectacular. When this happens to me I feel the need to attach to somebody that is here, and let go of the person that is the farthest away...... and I did latch onto somebody here.

Finally stopped seeing my psychologist here. She was cold and took way too many notes and I didnt feel like she was listening to me. So the search continues yet again, haha. I'm doing surprisingly well though. I havent taken my medicine in over 3 weeks and things are going somewhat smoothly so far. Still waiting for that one day though when I don't have to worry about taking medicine to make it through the day.

Overall.....

my minds been wandering
I've been having thoughts come and go relatively fast
weeks are going by even faster

I suppose this is how it happens the last year of being a teenager

25 mg

things are moving really fast here

its good



hope it stays this way

drifting and floating and fading away

I hate how only a few months apart from friends could change everything.
I still don't know if I made the right choice coming back to Florida early
Vinny, Diana, and I used to be attached at the hip, and now Vinny doesn't talk to the two of us that much anymore. I hate when I lose my constants in life, because I usually replace it with some stupid.

I hate to complain on these things but all and all I'm beginning to lose faith in my psychologist. I'm so sick and tired of trying different combinations of medicine. Nothing seems to make me better, it's more like it makes me worse. I just don't want to have to live my whole life like this.

I got four hail marys flying over my head

My hard work is paying off, even if it was hard to do
I wrote Dylan a long note to try to explain what went wrong and how I really felt about what we had, and lost
We decided it's best to take things slow, which is the best thing right now
I talked with his dad on the phone and also met with him to discuss my options for my treatment and I'm glad to start that
I'm still waiting for one thing though, and it's killing me
I've never prayed so hard before
Dylan is still scared that I'm going to hurt him again, especially when I return to Florida, but I lost him once because I was making terrible mistakes
I won't let it happen again
I don't want to lose the one I love for a second time

Good news
I got into the nursing program at Jacksonville University
I am still in shock, I wasn't expecting that at all
especially today!

I hope that tomorrow goes just as well
and the day after
and most importantly Thursday

please pray for me

mistakes become regrets

"Do not regret the things you do, because at one time what you did was what you wanted"
that was my senior quote, because at that time I had come to terms with all the mistakes I had made in just 18 short years
but one year later exactly, I'm throwing it all out the door

I always tell people you regret something if you did it more then once
and it's true
I relapsed with drugs again
I'm going to lose the one person that I love again because of my drug problems


It's just too much to handle sometimes
I feel like I'm 15 again with a crush that won't go away


Florida is so close I can almost smell it

they take a polaroid and let you go

I have never felt so heartbroken before, and I'm the one that broke my own heart
Those were the worst two weeks of my life, which led to me making a terrible decision. I don't know what started it, but once I picked up the bottle, I couldn't put it down. Every night was full of me having long talks that I don't even remember. I betrayed the one person I really loved.
I don't think I will forgive myself for a very long time
I can't.
You told me today you missed us in Richmond, but when I asked if you missed us together, all you could say was "we are both moving on".
I'm not moving on
I have tried, and every time I feel like I have met somebody I can be somewhat happy with
you cross my mind and I push the other person away

I hate how lonely I am in Richmond
I hate how I pushed every singly one of my friends away so I could be with you
I hate how I can't bring myself to drink slurpees because that's something you and I always did together ( me with a white straw and you with a green straw)
I hate how I can't listen to Muse anymore, because they sang our song
I hate how you don't return my text messages, especially when I ask you if you miss me at all

I wish this damn medicine would start working so I can attempt to go out and enjoy my life

cigarettes and speed to live and sleeping pills to feel forgiven

I like to think that my mother sent this in to postsecret, but I know she didn't
not because she doesn't even know what postsecret is to begin with
or the fact that I'm not 1,500 miles away
but because I know she didn't miss me that much

Sometimes I wish I was young again
especially when my mom and I would have the house to just the two of us because my dad was out of town on a business trip
She would let me stay up late and play dolls with me
I always thought she was much happier when it was just the two of us
I'm not saying my dad is a bad person, but over the past 10 years or so, I've seen my mother age greatly due to all the stress he has put on her
and she doesn't laugh like she used to when it was just the two of us

When I went away to school, I knew I would miss my friends
but I felt so guilty for leaving my mom behind, but now I'm home
I'm glad to see she had done just fine without me