the thoughts of youth are long long long thoughts

may angels lead you in

2009-07-24T22:49:00.001-07:00

I was so afraid for the day I would get the email sent to my blackberry saying your website had an urgent update.
Yesterday, it finally arrived.
My best memory of us together was the day we serenaded all the boys in the neighbor with our rendition of the spice girls. I fondly remember you lip singing and dancing around while I threw cereal at them. Something about the spice girls always made us so happy, especially the time you dressed up as Posh and I dressed up as Sporty Spice and my dad took us to the mall to make sticker pictures at Limited Too.
For a year I followed your carepages, which updated me everyday on your treatment.
It was the closet I had felt to you in years.
I was so positive you would pull through, especially since Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia had such a high cure rate.
Never did I imagine we would lose you, but yesterday you could not fight anymore.
I'm upset but at the same time I know you were in pain and this was the best thing for you.

R.I.P Rebecca Michelle Kearney

fuck cancer

2009-06-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

You were my first best friend in Virginia, and shortly we will lose you.
It baffles me how things like this can happen to such good people. Becca never deserved to come down with cancer. I always thought better her though, because she is such a fighter and so determined.
Today that changed though.
The doctors are stopping treatment and letting her "be comfortable from now on"
How can one be comfortable with death, especially a young 20 year old who is supposed to have years to live?

I honestly just don't know how to feel about anything anymore.
I'm losing my faith

floor plan to my heart

2009-06-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

"look at me, I'm Jul1ee
classy, sassy, and now a blondie
wont go to bed till I have a clonopin
oh look I'm jeppin Julie"

to the tune of Sandra D
written by my room mate Caroline

I say 2 months
and I'll be institutionalized.

I don't know whats right and what's real anymore

2009-05-31T19:10:00.001-07:00

How things have changed within the past two weeks
I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just list them off

. moved into my house
.within the next 21 days if we have a noise complaint we get evicted....sweet
. I'm very blonde
. Zack Harton
. a new amazing job, second job
. rent due tomorrow, erg
. money problems but nothing is new there

train wreck

2009-05-03T20:38:00.003-07:00

This has been the weirdest week ever
EEEEEEEVVVVVEEEEEERRRRR

spayed

2009-04-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

Baby Delta got fixed today
now she is laying next me restless and letting out such heart aching sighs
I really wish they would send animals home with painkillers
I mean, they only cut her abdomen open and took out her uterus...

I have never loved anything like I love my dog

2009-04-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm deleting facebook
I'm deleting myspace

I'm sick of people thinking that's what makes us friends
if I'm a friend, you'll keep in touch the old fashion way of a telephone call

2009-04-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

blah.
dats all.

rawr

2009-03-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it Jon and Kate are getting divorced....and it's completely clocking my life

I need to find a second job so this dream apartment, wherever it be will be definite in May

Mom told me she would buy me a pair of shoes today since all mine are falling apart, and I could not find any.....and I LOVE SHOES

real control

2009-03-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Before

After

I finally went through with it and bleached my hair blonde today. Erin and I were both pretty surprised how well my hair lifted. Its actually a lot more blonde then it appears in the photo, and its going to get lighter once my red fades and I start venturing out into the sun.
Along with the new do, got a bunch of new hair products as well which include
-Redken Real Control Shampoo
-Redken Real Control Conditioner
-Redken Color Control Conditioner
-Biosilk straightning balm
-Redken Blow drying Lotion
I swear, having a good friend as a hairdresser definitely has its' perks

I got punched in the face tonight for the first time ever....
by a mannequin
I'm never changing the clothes on one again

I want to be rich and I want to be famous

2009-03-23T20:42:00.001-07:00

Phoenicia

2009-03-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

Spring Break in New York was amazing, and if possible....I fell even more in love with Alex and the city
just a few words to sum up my week:
-China Town bus
-1st cab ride in NYC
-St Patrick's Day parade with Nick, Mr. Miller, Tara, and Dana
-Dana pissed on the subway
-met up with Annabel!!
-walked EVERYWHERE
-shopped with Nick
-NickandPascalegetfamous
-read 2 books
-saw a fight on the subway
-stayed in a cabin with Alex in upstate New York
-got pulled over and was searched

I really wish I never had to leave, but only 2 more months till Alex and I get my own place here
:)

lady fingers

2009-03-14T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have this ring that I never wear, except for today I felt like wearing something pretty to work
First female customer I had asked if I was engaged because my ring was so nice, but I quickly explained it was just some crappy ring I've had laying around for a good while
She was convinced it was more then just crappy, but actually something of worth
After I got off work, I was curious to go to a jewelry store in the mall to get it checked out
I went into Finks and asked them to take a look and they said it was so dirty they couldnt even tell the color of the main stone
When the man came back, he told me my ring was going for 625 dollar
I completely lost my words at that moment
a ring, I had laying around, that I thought was nothing special
ends up....
20 real diamonds, and a real pink (forget the name) stone in the center

All night I've been thinking about how I can sell it and pay my first rent with the money or even better, buy all my bedroom furniture and then some with it
Some how though, I caught myself all through the night just admiring it and noticing how I like the way it looks on my finger

A part of me wants to sell it, but the other part is just so intrigued with its beauty

everthings' cool as long as I'm getting skinny

2009-03-13T20:35:00.001-07:00

I wish I was born with thicker skin
then when people turn on me, I wouldnt be so dissapointed

I officially just dont give a shit about anybody anymore

I wish I could eat Pho everyday

2009-03-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

You have no idea.
Post Secret has been so lame lately, lately as in meaning the past year and half.
Some reason though, I wait till midnight Sunday morning so I can be one of the first to see the secrets :)

So last night I was wasted, but not like completely gone...but I managed to have an adventure downtown all by myself. Night started off at Megan's/Kevin's/Brent's/ whatever the fuck his name is apartment drinking. Somewhere around midnight we all walked to The Camel (which might I add fucking sucks now).
Long ass line.
5 dollars to get in just to dance to shitty ass music.
One of my coworkers was outside, so hopefully he didn't take in my drunkiness.
Some black British guy hit on me, then told me to "piss off" because he got inside and I didn't want to go with him.
Caro_ and I waited oustide....blah blah blah
Anyways, I ended up walking all the way back to Megan's apartment by myself in high heel boots, which was hell on the cobblestone alleyways, BUT I MADE IT!
Drank a few more beers then decided I needed to go home because I had to work at 10
I need to stop driving drunk, errrgh

Anyways, ate some blue potato chips when I got home =puking all this morning and not going to work :(
I don't even remember calling Kenya telling her I was sick
hahaaha

New York City in 8 days!

"I'll trade you pencils for sex"

2009-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

I always thought I would miss my sisters a lot, but I miss Frankie far more then I could ever miss them ( no offense if any of you by chance read this).
Dont get me wrong, I do miss my sisters, but Frankie and I connected on such a different level.
First off, I met this kid online and we ended up becoming best friends within the first week of college for the two of us.
I honestly don't think I have a bad or sour memory of my good friend Frankie. If I was down or going fucking crazy (which he was lucky enough to see), he would snap me back into reality. I don't think I would have made it out alive second semester if I didn't have him there to help me.

I love this kid so much, I didn't kill him or even make him pay when he broke the window in the back of my car.

One thing that always made me upset with some of my sisters was the way they treated him. I don't know why they had such hateful feelings towards him, but he certainly doesn't deserve it. I know I used to yell at him a lot, but the kid is a goofball, BUT THE BEST GOOFBALL EVVVVVVEEERRR!

Happy Birthday Frankie, I love you and miss you!

grow up and blow away

2009-03-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

It's been over 9 months since I cut over 11 inches of my hair off
and to this very day, I still feel super lost without my hair

Yeah, big deal....it's just hair
well that's what I thought at first, but my hair was ME
I used to put colorful highlights in each month to add some flare
I could wear it wavy (which is doesn't do anymore) or have it pin straight
getting ready in the morning took 5 minutes because all I had to do was put some curling mouse in it and go to class

I've realized ever since I cut all my hair off, I've started wearing a lot more makeup.
I can only assume it has to do with the fact I feel so unattractive with short hair. Since I feel this way on the inside, I guess I tried to cover the feelings up with makeup on the outside.

I feel slightly silly for writing about my hair, but its been bugging me so much
I just want my long long red hair back :(

2009-02-25T21:57:00.000-08:00

Tiger Claw, circa 1989

This week

POSITIVES:
-payday on Friday
-Alex gets here tomorrow at midnight...so technically Friday
-got an A on my Psych Exam
-got a B on my History Exam
-got some super cute clothes this weekend, and today :)
-Erin gave me a free haircut, and some bangs!
-Erin Bresse is coming home this weekend
-I think Clay is in town?
-finally got a new screen name
-found the jacket I've been dying to own
-clean room is always a plus
-I got my laptop back with new LCD screen, keyboard, and wireless thingy mabober and ALL FOR FREEEE
-cigarettes are still cheap ( I dont know why this matters, they will always be cheap in Tobacco haven Virginia)

NEGATIVES:
-I didnt have any sales at work yesterday
-my dad has bitched at me every night over the fact that I have a 3.5 and not a 4.0, FUCK OFF DUDE
-LIVING AT HOME
-dad said he wont help me pay to go to Florida for Spring Break
-Delta chewed my laptop charger, yeah... the brand new one I just got
-my huge ass credit card bill just got bigger again, ooops
-my newer fish sucks in comparison to Gypsy
-this want to be city is too small for me, I need large buildings and a subway

there appears to be more positives this week
I will call it a good week then

I LOVE ALEX!

big river

2009-02-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

James J. Bartman Jr.
March 16th, 1987- February 17, 2009

Kenneth McCoy Hart
July 1st,1918- February 16th,2009

You will never know how much you both will be missed
rest in peace.

13

2009-02-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

Things I'm happy about.....
-my hair is getting longer!
-I have a job, that I like thus far
-I just got a free roundtrip (or discount) on JetBlue because the tv's were broken on my flight home
-I have straight A's
-Alex being my partner in crime
-I added some colour to the blog
-cheap cigarettes
-sweet potato chips
-I just went to New York to see the love of my life
- Friday the 13th tattoo with new friends

Things that suck right now....
-I'm stuck in Richmond
-Alex is in NYC
-I live at home
-my dog is still eating her poop :(
-I am somehow broke in the bank yet again
-I have a ridiculous credit card statement to pay
-Erin Bresse is too far away to hang out
-I only have 3 good friends here, and they happen to be all busy at the moment
-My uncle died this morning
-My dad thinks just because he gives me money and buys me things, it makes him a loving father
-I'm nowhere near Alex right now
-I'm almost positive nobody misses me in Florida, especially Diana
-my laptop isn't fixed yet!!!!!!
-my eyebrows are in need of some major waxing, but lack of funds is keeping that from happening

womp womp womp
I'm ready to let the good times roll....even if it means leaving everything behind in RVA to get to NYC

yo, fuck Richmond

2009-01-31T22:45:00.000-08:00

In the early afternoon yesterday, I was so convinced for the first time I had made the right decision in moving back to Richmond.
But goddamn, last night has changed that for good.
Caroline and I decided to go to a dance/house party on Main Street that apparently a few people we knew were at. It took me going through a designated checkpoint and 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot. We get to the house and walk around back to go inside. It seemed really nice but I didn't see any faces that I knew. Next thing I know, some dumb bitch was pushing me telling me I had to get out and leave.
First off, don't push me
Second, you could have asked me to nicely
Ends up it was some sororities closed party for a sisters 21st birthday. My bad, thought it was any other normal dance party.
After leaving that house and walking 5 blocks in the freezing cold to get to my car, Caroline and I figured we would go to a party on Monument.
That fell through as well.
Parking is so ridiculous downtown :[

Driving back to the West End, I realized that Richmond is just way too small for me and no room for me to fit in anywhere. I can' t stand the bike kids who only care about what others perceive them as.

I want to drop out of school and move to New York

and it's so real I can feel it

2009-01-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

Now that I've been home now for over a month, I've begun to ask myself if it was worth leaving Florida.
There are some things that make the move worth it, one being just that little bit closer to Alex ( who's in New York) and friends that still reside in Virginia.
I really do miss being able to wake up next to Alex every morning, see him whenever I want through the day, and just be with him whenever I want though.
but distance does make the heart grow fonder

a broken heart is a working heart

2008-11-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

Honestly, right now I SHOULD be packing to head back to Jacksonville tomorrow morning
but I'm not, of course
I'm doing what I have become a master at, procrastinating.

So instead of packing, or actually studying for my nursing exam that I think is Monday (but hoping is Tuesday), I'm sorting through what seems my entire life stuffed under my bed. I love going through old things like photo albums, fashion magazines, makeup, and most important..... journals.
I started reading both of my journals I kept, one starting when I was 10 and another started when I was in 9th grade. I laughed at most of the entries, but some just really blew my mind.
Apparently I had 4 terrible years in high school, but now that I look back on it, it doesn't even matter now. I read a few entries where I complained of being so hurt and feeling like things would never get any better, but I cant even remember what made me so upset.
I gives me such reassurance that it really does eventually stop hurting.
I needed that so much, especially since I shared a cup of coffee and a short conversation with Dylan today.
We had 2 good years together with ups and downs. I'm ready to let it go, but never forget.
I'm ready to take a chance with somebody new, but not rush into anything.
I still hurt, but I now know that it will stop one day, and I'll look back on it and just laugh at how miserable I was.

Richmond deserves a 2nd try
I deserve to be happy go lucky Julie again

I'm ready.

broken hearted

2008-11-17T23:36:00.000-08:00

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately, sleep isn't really an option.

Life lately is just a blur, and it seems the days are getting longer as well.
I want to go more into details, I just emotionally don't have the willpower to do so.

I'll get over it eventually.

history has a way of repeating itself

2008-09-30T02:33:00.000-07:00

So school has resumed at Jacksonville University. I've been working extra hard so far to try to stay above C's, which is something I really need this year.
Its amazing how much the summer really changed some people around here. Not saying that it is bad, its just interesting. Lately I've found myself very annoyed and angry towards this place because I feel a majority of the people are fake. Its as if they forgot what lies they told last year, and I caught them this year. Nothing to worry about though, I don't need to ponder on the situation.

I did it yet again, and I am going to blame it on this town.
I ended things with Dylan. I'm still not sure if it's because I just really need somebody here that I can see everyday, or if I'm being ridiculous and making rational decisions. Jacksonville is a very peculiar place that can make any person feel alone, or like they aren't apart of anything spectacular. When this happens to me I feel the need to attach to somebody that is here, and let go of the person that is the farthest away...... and I did latch onto somebody here.

Finally stopped seeing my psychologist here. She was cold and took way too many notes and I didnt feel like she was listening to me. So the search continues yet again, haha. I'm doing surprisingly well though. I havent taken my medicine in over 3 weeks and things are going somewhat smoothly so far. Still waiting for that one day though when I don't have to worry about taking medicine to make it through the day.

Overall.....

my minds been wandering
I've been having thoughts come and go relatively fast
weeks are going by even faster

I suppose this is how it happens the last year of being a teenager

25 mg

2008-09-08T22:02:00.001-07:00

things are moving really fast here

its good

hope it stays this way

drifting and floating and fading away

2008-08-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

I hate how only a few months apart from friends could change everything.
I still don't know if I made the right choice coming back to Florida early
Vinny, Diana, and I used to be attached at the hip, and now Vinny doesn't talk to the two of us that much anymore. I hate when I lose my constants in life, because I usually replace it with some stupid.

I hate to complain on these things but all and all I'm beginning to lose faith in my psychologist. I'm so sick and tired of trying different combinations of medicine. Nothing seems to make me better, it's more like it makes me worse. I just don't want to have to live my whole life like this.

I got four hail marys flying over my head

2008-06-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

My hard work is paying off, even if it was hard to do
I wrote Dylan a long note to try to explain what went wrong and how I really felt about what we had, and lost
We decided it's best to take things slow, which is the best thing right now
I talked with his dad on the phone and also met with him to discuss my options for my treatment and I'm glad to start that
I'm still waiting for one thing though, and it's killing me
I've never prayed so hard before
Dylan is still scared that I'm going to hurt him again, especially when I return to Florida, but I lost him once because I was making terrible mistakes
I won't let it happen again
I don't want to lose the one I love for a second time

Good news
I got into the nursing program at Jacksonville University
I am still in shock, I wasn't expecting that at all
especially today!

I hope that tomorrow goes just as well
and the day after
and most importantly Thursday

please pray for me

mistakes become regrets

2008-06-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

"Do not regret the things you do, because at one time what you did was what you wanted"
that was my senior quote, because at that time I had come to terms with all the mistakes I had made in just 18 short years
but one year later exactly, I'm throwing it all out the door

I always tell people you regret something if you did it more then once
and it's true
I relapsed with drugs again
I'm going to lose the one person that I love again because of my drug problems

It's just too much to handle sometimes
I feel like I'm 15 again with a crush that won't go away

Florida is so close I can almost smell it

they take a polaroid and let you go

2008-05-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so heartbroken before, and I'm the one that broke my own heart
Those were the worst two weeks of my life, which led to me making a terrible decision. I don't know what started it, but once I picked up the bottle, I couldn't put it down. Every night was full of me having long talks that I don't even remember. I betrayed the one person I really loved.
I don't think I will forgive myself for a very long time
I can't.
You told me today you missed us in Richmond, but when I asked if you missed us together, all you could say was "we are both moving on".
I'm not moving on
I have tried, and every time I feel like I have met somebody I can be somewhat happy with
you cross my mind and I push the other person away

I hate how lonely I am in Richmond
I hate how I pushed every singly one of my friends away so I could be with you
I hate how I can't bring myself to drink slurpees because that's something you and I always did together ( me with a white straw and you with a green straw)
I hate how I can't listen to Muse anymore, because they sang our song
I hate how you don't return my text messages, especially when I ask you if you miss me at all

I wish this damn medicine would start working so I can attempt to go out and enjoy my life

cigarettes and speed to live and sleeping pills to feel forgiven

2008-05-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

I like to think that my mother sent this in to postsecret, but I know she didn't
not because she doesn't even know what postsecret is to begin with
or the fact that I'm not 1,500 miles away
but because I know she didn't miss me that much

Sometimes I wish I was young again
especially when my mom and I would have the house to just the two of us because my dad was out of town on a business trip
She would let me stay up late and play dolls with me
I always thought she was much happier when it was just the two of us
I'm not saying my dad is a bad person, but over the past 10 years or so, I've seen my mother age greatly due to all the stress he has put on her
and she doesn't laugh like she used to when it was just the two of us

When I went away to school, I knew I would miss my friends
but I felt so guilty for leaving my mom behind, but now I'm home
I'm glad to see she had done just fine without me